The Trying Empath

Not trying is failure in and of itself.

I try all the time. I over think everything. All the small details are smaller until I’m having anxiety because I see how much is and can be wrong so I stop and freeze in my tracks.

Constantly worrying if I’m going to upset someone because I said something with the wrong vocal inflection or I didn’t seem interested enough in it. Then I have to go into the apologizing and explaining myself of why I did what I did.

Then there’s the time that I am finally comfortable and I have thought about it just enough and I have confidence in doing the right thing. BAM! I’m in an argument with someone because they had a plan and I fucked it up.

The worst has to be when that entire calamity happens. You’ve done what you thought was right, the other person(s) freaks out because their plan is now fucked and you sit there in the most horrible turmoil because you understand them 100%.

You want to be angry, scream, yell, cuss your head off and declare that you too have feelings damn it! They are equally as hurt and you are equally damaged! But you can’t because you know inside that other person is the same hurt and upset and you know it’ll only be worse for them.

So you suck it up because the empath inside you doesn’t want to take away from the other persons moment.

You’ll cry later when you’re alone and release the feelings. Probably tell yourself that you’re not worth it or that others are more important. Totally not fucking true but it’s whatever you can say to get through it. It’ll all be okay though because nothing is forever especially when you know how to heal yourself.

Trying is hard sometimes but over thinking is harder. Learning to be mindful is equally hard but it makes things easier. Keep trying because if you don’t you’re failing.

I’m trying to end this fucking post and I’m struggling. Is it Friday yet?

P.s. I’m horrible at writing and I don’t remember doing half of this.

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