I’m always searching for a why.
Why am I here?
What am I supposed to be doing?
Do I have a talent?
Am I bringing anything to this world?
Why does anyone hang around me?
I feel pointless at best sometimes. I think most of us feel it at some point. Last night was an intense fight with my love. Should I tuck tail and runaway so I don’t hurt them? I’m bipolar and apparently ungrateful.
I’m learning to try and let go of this rigidity that I’ve created over a long time of bad decisions and mistakes. Trying to filter life like water in my hands. Trying to calculate everything I say or do and it’s impact, only to calculate wrong or not filter the right thing.
However many days later…
I continue to ponder as I sit in a clients 750k house. It’s a brand new and all the finishing touches aren’t dirty or chipped. Too sterile for my taste but nice. The furniture is extravagant and oversized just like the house. It’s not a home in my mind. My entire house could fit in their master bedroom.
Gray, gray, gray and some brown. All if it. Not a speck of blue, yellow, green, etc. Except for a couple of tacky fake flowers in a hallway or bathroom. What is with rich people and fake plants and cheap wall art?
Every kitchen gadget you could possibly imagine is taking up space in the massive kitchen. A sure sign to me that they can’t cook and just want the stuff that does the things.
Is this part of the existence I’m missing? Not enough shit that will rot away in 20 years because it’s cheaply made.
Do I require a whirlwind romantic trip to the other side of the globe. Galavanting around Europe trying artisan food and wine? No but I want it.
Or do I just need a peaceful sanctuary tucked away with plants, tea to drink my dog and my nerdy video games? Yes video games.
I don’t know. I have a lot of disparaging thoughts about my life and I’m pretty sure they’re a bunch of fucking lies. I at least know I’m good at lying to myself. Which isn’t always a bad thing but mine is never positive. See I just did it right there.
What I do know is this:
I’m occasionally funny and always sarcastic.
I have a great appreciation for the little things.
Animals are better than people but I still eat meat.
I workout a lot but I’m probably gaining weight still, son of a bitch.
I still have a major amount learning, growing, figuring out and living to do. Life is short and I need to do whatever it is I do with patients, love and compassion for myself. Never being to harsh, negative or angry because something didn’t go as I wanted it to.